Monday, October 17, 2011
Yesterday Scott took me for a short drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway. We spent so much time there before I got sick and we miss it so much. No hiking for me now. I barely put my legs out of the car at overlooks. The leaves were beautiful but the trip took it's toll on me. I have barely been out of my chair today.
Mama is cleaning my oven. All that you can say is you know someone loves you when they clean your oven. Daddy had been repairing my rail fence coming up the driveway. Fence building is another thing you don't do for just anyone. :) My husband cooks and cleans, my brother gardens, my sister-in-law cans produce for me, my daughter cleans and brings my grandson to visit, my step-daughter pushes me in a wheelchair, my best friend is driving me to the beach... all things above and beyond anything expected. If I learned anything from being sick it is that I am loved.
I got news that my kidney function has worsened and I am scheduled with nephrologist next month. I was terribly upset for several days but have come to realize this is just another path. I will deal with whatever I need to deal with and continue on as best I as I can. Each day is an adventure, never knowing what will happen or how I will feel. My job on earth today may have only been to listen. Hopefully it was enough for the one who needed to talk.
I revised my "bucket list" last winter to things I would actually be able to do. No more dreams of Europe, the Pacific Northwest or learning to bowl. Yesterday marked another thing off - to go back to the parkway. This weekend if we make it to the beach I can mark off see the ocean one more time. This is not a sad thing. I am prepared for the worst as I hope for the best. Once you walk in the darkness of the fear of leaving earth, and you overcome the fear, you are free to truly enjoy each day. Instead of a deep dark fear of "what if the epipen doesn't work?" I can now just enjoy each good day for what it is. You can appreciate the incredible flavor of a home grown tomato, savor the sound of your grandson who just learned to squeal, delight in the color of an autumn leaf; so many things just to sit and enjoy.